I came across a journal entry of mine from a few years back, during my (brief) teaching stint. It’s about one of my students, a freshman at the time- so dear, but extremely odd.
His walk was notably different, one leg swinging stiffly beside the other, this the result of a recent surgery; he spoke quickly and, at times, inaudibly, almost as if his own words were trying to escape his awkwardness; during his free moments you could find him working on detailed illustrations of various kinds of swords, some of which he showed and explained to me; and he, of course, dealt with a good amount of teasing and alienation from his fellow classmates.
Here’s what I wrote, after this particular student (who I am calling Daniel) was absent from school:
“[Daniel] was out yesterday, for the first time all year. It was like a completely different classroom, without his nervous outbursts, his slurred, excited speech that I can barely understand, the cruel eyes of the other students darting to lock with one another in, if they are honest with themselves, fear.
I know it would be easier without [Daniel] , and that’s what worries me most.”
I’ve been seeing a lot lately on the issue of cyber-bullying in Maryland. From the recent cyber-bullying bill, which was presented to lawmakers in Annapolis today and is receiving both support and criticism, to high-profile Baltimoreans, like Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, speaking out against cyber-bullying- it seems to be a hot topic.
I, myself, am not going to use this post to take a stand for or against the bill, especially since I think, presently, there are both good and bad things about it.
The bullying discussion tends to revolve around environments where children are setting the tone, and adults are perhaps not privy to the true nature of the hostile encounters being reported- places like the cafeteria, the locker room, the school bus, etc.
I’d like to use this post to pay closer attention to the places where adults are setting the tone and children- as children do- emulate what they see- places like the home, the workplace, the car, etc.
Real talk- adults can be bullies.
I can guarantee, whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or a teacher, an advertising exec or a waitress, a pastor or an accountant, you know of someone who gets bullied because they somehow don’t meet the standards (usually social ones) their environment requires of them.
Meanwhile, our children watch us on a daily basis and think, ‘So that’s how to be an adult.’
So, if you’re an adult who ever spends time with kids (I am an aunt of two kick-ass nephews), here are some things I think are worth considering:
1. How do I talk to/about people I don’t get along with? Not everyone is meant to be best friends, and that’s okay. Just because I don’t like someone doesn’t mean I’m a bully. The way I talk to them and about them to other people might make me one, though.
2. Do I stand up for people who I know are being bullied? It sucks to be picked on. I’m probably scared enough of being bullied myself that I’ll do anything to blend in and go with the flow. On second thought, though, I’m not sure that’s the kind of crowd I want to blend into.
3. What is the point of bullying? One of the incidents surrounding cyber-bullying in Maryland took place last spring, when a 15-year-old Howard County girl committed suicide after enduring months of cruel cyber-bullying, her family reported. I’d like to ask this question of the children involved: Did you say those things to and about Grace so that she would kill herself? Of course they’d say no, they didn’t want that to happen. What did they want to happen, then? What was the point? Why is it important to make someone feel bad about herself? Every word I say and everything I do has a motive. I should examine my words and actions long and hard to make sure that motive is, first of all, clear, and second of all, good.
4. Am I more easily prejudiced towards certain characteristics, thus making it easier for me to bully someone who fits a certain description? It could be rich or poor, black or asian, Fed Hill or Highlandtown, loud or quiet, hipster or academic, Republican or Democrat, Christian or Muslim…you get the idea. I need to know myself well enough to be aware of my prejudices. Then, I can actively fight against a tendency to bully people that really get on my nerves.
If, as adults, we can’t treat each other a little more kindly, how can we expect our kids to act any better? We, after all, are the grown-ups. Aren’t we supposed to be the ones that have things figured out?
p.s. I included the trailor to “Bully” a documentary made last year about the bullying problem in the U.S. I haven’t seen it, but it looks pretty interesting.
You can find out more about the movie at The Bully Project website.